Live From Sunnydale, it's Saturday Night!
by Jonathan 81
Summary: Continuously Worked On. Buffy characters in skits from Saturday Night Live. Mainly focuses on the character of Xander Harris and the Buffy-Xander relationship. This set-up contains 3 fics so far. Enjoy. RR
1. Forbidden Fruit

Title: Forbidden Fruit   
  
Rating: PG-13   
  
Author: White Werewolf  
  
Category: Buffy/Xander  
  
Spoilers/Timeframe: Post "Chosen"  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, Fox, UPN, and ME. Saturday Night Live is owned by NBC and Michaels.  
  
Summery: Xander comes home to a bachelor party.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Xander walked down the hallway to his new apartment. Within the last few months, many things have gone well for Xander Harris, but there was something always missing.  
  
Anya.  
  
Anya was a very important part of his life until that day of the first evil. She died in saving Andrew from death.   
  
Throughout the last few years, Anya has grown from a person who depended on him a lot and never left his side, to a very liberated person who had a job. She made a great transition as a demon that recently became human.  
  
But with friends like Buffy, Willow, Giles, Faith, Dawn Andrew, and Wood, Xander was able to heal some of his wounds. True, the scars will always be there, but he leaned that he had to move on.  
  
And that's what led him to his fiancé.   
  
Two months ago Xander came to a realization. After thinking about the past eight years, there was only one person who ever had his heart. She rejected him at the end of sophomore year, but he never gave up. The young man even tried to move on with his life with Cordelia, Willow, and Anya.   
  
But he wasn't successful.  
  
He didn't realize his true feelings until he met that demon at his wedding. He showed him a possible future with Anya as his wife, and whenever the woman was mentioned, he felt for her still. She was always a top priority in his life, and that vision proved it.  
  
  
  
And when she had to fight his best friend she told him that she loved him. True, it was only in a platonic way But she did say those words, 'Y'know, I love you, right?'  
  
During the summer, the two of them grew close and they created a little family between her, him, and Dawn. But, as soon as Spike came around, she lost all that she gained within those first months. Spike brought out the bad in her, and she lost more and more of her humanity.  
  
When Spike died at that battle along with Anya, the two of them leaned on one another. They rebuilt their friendship, and things were finally on their way to recovery.  
  
Together, they went through counseling and helped each other whenever they felt alone. Him and his friend became inseparable. They relied on each other to get through the day, that it only seemed natural for dating which in turn led to marriage.  
  
Then it happened, a month ago. Xander took a deep breath and asked the one woman that held his heart, "Will you marry me?"  
  
And without further hesitation, Buffy Anne Summers became his fiancé.  
  
Xander went to the door, and took out his key, and placed it in the door and opened it to reveal a dark room. He closed the door behind him and flipped on the lights.  
  
"SURPRISE!"  
  
Xander looked around him and saw all his male friends from work, Giles, Wood, and Andrew.  
  
"Congratulations!" Everyone shouted.  
  
He was shocked. "I can't believe you did this."  
  
The former Watcher approached him, "Well, this is your bachelor party."  
  
Wood came up from behind them, "And it's your last day as a free man."  
  
The Cyclops stated, "Yeah, and you know what? I'm not going to miss it. Buffy's the kind of girl that make everything feel better-even a visit to the dentist."  
  
Giles chuckled, "Dear lord. You do have it bad, don't you?"  
  
This time, the groom to be chucked, "You better believe it."  
  
"This is bachelor party! Where's the stripper?"  
  
The four of them turned to see one of Xander's coworkers.  
  
The former librarian answered, "I believe Andrew was in charge of that."  
  
Andrew smiled, "Don't worry, guys. I got the best stripper."  
  
Xander sighed. He knew what that meant. Throughout the last few years that Xander has knew him, there have been subtle hints about his sexual orientation.  
  
"Tell me you didn't, Andrew. Tell me you didn't."  
  
The blond showed a confused look, "Tell you I didn't what?"  
  
"Tell me you didn't hire a male stripper."  
  
He winced, "You won't be disappointed, Xander. This guy's the best." With that, he turned around, and yelled, "Bring in the cake."  
  
Two men left the room, and came back a few seconds later carrying a big white cake. It was five layers covered in vanilla frosting and blue flowers. On the top read, 'Congratulations, Xander.'  
  
Soon, the cake exploded and out came a man who had black hair, sideburns that curled at the end, and wore a pink outfit along with a pink beanie. "Hello, everybody."  
  
The geek boy smiled, "Everyone, this is Mango."  
  
"So, where's this Xander Harris man?" The stripper asked.  
  
Xander stared at this man. He was absolutely struck by his beauty. He tried to say something witty, but his throat went dry. The engaged man gulped a few times and raised his hand slowly. After finding his voice, he whispered, "I'm Xander. Who are you?"  
  
Mango walked over to him and whispered, "I am the Mango."   
  
Then the stereo started to play. The song was 'Everything But the Girl',' by the group, 'Missing.' He then started to dance seductively-very seductively.  
  
Buffy Summers became a memory as Xander Harris continued to watch this man.  
  
********  
  
Stop N' Shop  
  
********  
  
Mango is walking down the cereal aisle holding up a box of Trix. He chuckled to himself, "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for Mango."  
  
All of a sudden, his cell phone rang. He opened it and placed it to his ear. "Hello? Arnold Schwarzenegger? I don't care if you stopped seeing woman and started seeing men because you're now the Governor of California. Stop calling me."  
  
He hung up the phone and turned it off. "I just hope these calls terminate soon." A smile was made, "Ha, I made a funny."  
  
Within the next second, someone bumped into his cart. He turned around and saw a man in a black tux. "Who are you? And I think you bruised my mangos."  
  
The man approached him, "Mango, it's me, Xander Harris."  
  
The stripper's eyes widened, "Xander Harris? Aren't you getting married to that Muffy girl?"  
  
He shook his head, "I don't want her. I want you. I want the Mango!"  
  
Mango sighed, "Can you take the red out of the fire? Can you take a full body of water and place it in your pocket? No! And such is Mango."  
  
Xander was worried, "But, I work construction. I can build you your own strip joint."  
  
He gave it some thought, "That will never work. Leave."  
  
Tears started to glaze over his eyes, "Mango! Please!"  
  
"No. Get out. I hate you."   
  
Xander turned away, and the stripper reached out for him.  
  
He turned around. "But, it's just..."  
  
"No! You can't have the Mango!" Then he spanked himself as the other man headed out the store.  
  
Xanderr sighed, "Goodbye, Mango.'  
  
He smiled sadly, "Goodbye, Alexander Harris."  
  
Xander stopped outside the store and yelled into the daylight, "MANGO!"  
  
********  
  
Xander and Buffy's Hotel Room  
  
********  
  
Xander was lying in bed thinking about Mango.  
  
Buffy snuggled up to him, "Xan?"  
  
No answer.  
  
She smiled sadly, "Xander, baby."  
  
He turned around face her, "Hmm?"  
  
A smile was made, "Make love to me."  
  
Tears emerged in his eyes, "I can't. I'm sorry, but not now."  
  
Buffy kissed him on the cheek after getting an idea. "I'll be right back. I just got to find something more comfortable."  
  
She entered the bathroom, and came back a minute later wearing a pink outfit and pink beanie.  
  
"Mango." He said with tears running down his cheeks.  
  
Buffy walked seductive to the bed and said, "No, you can't have the Mango, but you can have the Buffy."  
  
He said in a loud voice, "I don't want the Buffy. I want the MANGO!"  
  
The End. 


	2. Why The Big Bad Shouldn't Follow a Pussy

Why The Big Bad Shouldn't Follow a Pussy  
  
Author: White Werewolf  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Category: Buffy/Spike, Buffy/Xander. Not really a shipper fic.  
  
Summery: Finding out that Buffy likes hairy pets from a conversation between her and Xander, Spike goes and gets her a cat.  
  
Timeframe: Fifth Season. Riley is gone like in the show. Spike's in his obsessive Buffy stage. Glory never came. And, Joyce isn't dead. Anya ended it with Xander due to the fact that he's been spending too much time at the Summers.  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, UPN, Fox, and ME. Saturday Night Live is owned by Michaels and NBC.  
  
Author Notes: This is not Spike friendly. If you are a Spike fan, do not read this. You have been warned. I got this idea from watching an old sketch on SNL. Think circa 1988. I know, I may be dating myself, but who cares?  
  
  
  
"Toonces the Driving Cat  
  
The Cat who could drive a car.  
  
He drives around  
  
all over the town  
  
Toonces the Driving Cat!"  
  
*****  
  
Restful Cemetery  
  
April 29, 2001  
  
11:30 PM  
  
Buffy successfully staked her final vampire, "That was fun," she said to herself. After dusting the remaining dust off, she headed for her friend. Offering him her hand, Buffy stated, "You didn't do too badly, Xand."  
  
He smiled, "Thanks, Buff. But you should know, I'd never turn down a chance to spend time with my favorite Slayer."  
  
Her eyes widened and a big grin appeared on her face, "I'm you're favorite?"  
  
The carpenter nodded, "Of course. The only other slayers that I know of are Kendra and Faith. Kendra's dead, and Faith's in jail. Oh, and then there's the first slayer that was in all are dreams that time too."  
  
She pouted, "So, I'm your last resort? I feel just great."  
  
An arm was draped around her shoulders, "No, I mean it, Buffy. You're my favorite. Dawn is my favorite key, Oz is my favorite werewolf, and Willow and Tara are my favorite witches. You're all important to me."  
  
"Good," she stated, "so, how are you feeling about Anya leaving you?"  
  
Anya was always a sensitive subject for Xander, but he understood her reason for leaving Sunnydale. If she did love him, then she wouldn't mind all the time that he spent with Buffy, Dawn, and Joyce. But, she didn't, and he decided to move on with his life. "I'm feeling a little bit lonely, but I knew that was going to happen."  
  
She wrapped her arm around his waist, and pulled him close, "You're never lonely with me around. You're going to have to seperate us with a crowbar."  
  
A chuckle was sounded, "The bad part of that is that neither of us have a crowbar. I guess we are stuck together."  
  
"I have no problem with that, Xand."  
  
Xander unwrapped his arm and dove his hands in his pockets. At the same time, Buffy unwrapped her arm and crossed them, hugging her chest. The duo continued to walk through the cemetery.  
  
"Even though that you're always going to be there for me, Buff. And I'm glad you are, really."  
  
She looked at him, "Really?"  
  
The young man nodded, "Definitely. But, I need something more. Y'know, to fill that empty void. But I don't think that's possible."  
  
Buffy knew that he needed someone. He truly loved Anya, but when she left, Xander shut down. If it weren't for her, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles, and her mother, he would stay in his apartment and become a hermit crab. Then something hit her, "Well, you could get a pet?"  
  
A pet? Xander never thought about getting a pet. He had a gold fish when he was younger, but his father flushed it down the toilet as a punishment. However, now he was living on his own, and a pet may sound like a good idea. "What do you suggest?"  
  
His friend grinned, "How about a cat? I know I love them, and they're always fun to have around."  
  
"Even though they're lazy?"  
  
She shook her head, "Some cats are lazy. But, at least they're not dogs. Dogs eat their own vomit."  
  
"Thanks for that mental image."  
  
"No problem." She looked at her friend again, "so, how about it? Want to buy a cat?"  
  
Xander shrugged, "Why not?" The brunette faced his friend, "Do you want to help me choose one tomorrow?"  
  
This time, Buffy draped her arm around his shoulders as they continued to walk, "I'd love to."  
  
"Great," he said with a lopsided grin, "we can get one after you finish your classes tomorrow. I'll pick you up at your dorm. Just call my cellphone first, and I'll get off work."  
  
"Sounds like a plan to me."  
  
He looked at his watch, and it was a little after midnight, "I hate to have to stop this, Buff. But, I got work in the morning, and you got some classes. How about we call it a night?"  
  
Buffy scanned the graveyard one more time, and saw no new fledgling vampires rising from the grave. After a sudden yawn, she replied, "Sure. I'm actually kind of beat. And since there aren't any vampires around, I might as well as go home."  
  
"Okay then, I guess I'll see ya tomorrow, Buffy."  
  
She nodded, "Sure. "Later, Xander."  
  
With that said, Buffy and Xander headed out of the cemetery. Buffy went back to her dorm, while Xander went for his apartment.  
  
If they stayed any longer they would've seen Spike standing by a tombstone, "So, you love cats, huh? Maybe if I get you one, you'll go out with me, luv."  
  
A smiled crossed his face, knowing to get the cat tomorrow before Xander and Buffy go cat shopping.  
  
*****  
  
Sunnydale Petco  
  
April 30, 2001  
  
4:00 AM  
  
The window that was in the door shattered as a hand poked through and unlocked it. The door swung open to reveal Spike.  
  
Making sure that there was no alarm, Spike withdrew a knife that he had that was attached from his belt, and flung it at the alarm. Thus causing the alarm not to go off.  
  
After placing the knife back, Spike went into the store, and withdrew a flashlight. He turned it on, and started to search the store for some cats.  
  
As he walked through the store, he saw the usual. The vampire saw dogs, frogs, snakes, mice, hamsters, and finally what he was looking for. He saw the cats.  
  
Spike approached the cats, but then saw two cages. In one cage was five cats, in the other one was just one. The chipped demon tore the door off its hinges, and pulled out the cat. "Why are you all by yourself?"  
  
The cat didn't answer.  
  
The vampire looked at the cage, and noticed a nametag at the bottom of the cage. It read, 'Toonces--the Driving Cat.'  
  
His eyes widened, "You can drive?"  
  
The cat nodded.  
  
Then Spike continued, "This I gotta see."  
  
With that said, Spike headed out of the door with Toonces under his arm.  
  
*****  
  
Spike's Car  
  
April 30, 2001  
  
4:15 AM  
  
Spike climbed into his car, and placed Toonces in the driving seat. After buckling him up, Spiked locked the driver's door, and sat down in the passenger seat. "Let's see how well you drive?"  
  
The vampire handed his keys to the driving cat, and turned on the ignition. "Alright, Toonces, drive."  
  
Toonces nodded, and looked out the back window. When the coast was clear, Toonces put the car in reverse, and backed out of the parking space. Then he put the car in drive, and drove out of the lot.  
  
Spike watched in amazement, as Toonces drove, "Not bad. Not bad at all. Buffy will love me for sure now."  
  
The cat continued his driving, and soon the car was on the highway. Due to the fact that it was still early, nobody was up.  
  
The blond was shocked, "You really can drive? That's bloody impressive. Now, turn around and drive back to Sunnydale."  
  
Toonces did as he was told, and turned the car around. But, there was a problem. Toonces over shot his turn, and the car sped off into the rail. Due to the fact that he had short legs, he couldn't reach the brake.  
  
And before Spike could say anything, the car lost control, and drove off the highway and down the hill.  
  
Before the car hit the ground, Spike noticed a tag that hung from the cat's neck. He tore it off, and read it, "I can drive, but not very well."  
  
And before he could do anything else, the car hit the ground and exploded, pieces flew everywhere, and the car burst out into flames.  
  
With all his strength, he couldn't get out of the car in time. If he did, Spike still wouldn't have had enough time. The sun was on the horizon. That meant for sure that this was a bad time for any vampire.  
  
Sure enough, his skin burned, and he crumbled to dust. All that was left was the microchip that the blond demon had in his brain.  
  
Suddenly, a piece of the car door moved, and a paw popped out. Soon, the paw pushed the door out of the way, and Toonces crawled out of the car wreckage.  
  
It was always the same thing with Toonces. Whenever he drove a car, the car would go off the highway or cliff and get destroyed. And it always was the same outcome. The cat would escape scratch-free. But, the passenger would die from the impact. This probably meant that Toonces had more than nine lives.  
  
*****  
  
Xander's Apartment  
  
April 30, 2001  
  
8:30 AM  
  
An alarm went off, and soon the radio turned onto channel 94.7. The announcer said, "Good morning, Sunnydale!  
  
Sources say that there was a car accident earlier this morning. The car was a 1962 Black Dodge Desodo. The accident happened at Exit 17. It appears that the driver was headed for Sunnydale, California. All that was found was a cat. It appears that the driver disappeared, and is no where to be found. Further news as follows."  
  
The name of the car caused Xander to immediately sit up in his bed, and said to himself, "1962 Black Dodge Desodo? That's Spike's car?"  
  
The announcer continued, "The license plate read, I-Big-Bad."  
  
That proved it, it was Spike's car. But, why would Spike drive out during the night when it was so close to the morning's awakening.  
  
Xander wanted to find out the truth, so he headed to where the announcer said the car was. When he found out, Xander quickly turned off the radio, got dressed, and headed for the car.  
  
*****  
  
Exit 17  
  
April 30, 2001  
  
9:00 AM  
  
Xander arrived at the scene only to find Spike's car being inspected by numerous police officers.  
  
He got out of his car, and saw the cat that the radio was talking about sitting by the wrekage. With a shrug, the carpenter approached the cat.  
  
But, before he could pick up the cat, a police man came over to him, "This is a private investigation, young man. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
  
Xander looked at the cat, and knew he couldn't leave the cat alone. Maybe, because of what he was talking about with Buffy last night, he wanted to keep the cat. Then he thought of something, "I know the owner of the cat, Officer. He would want me to look after him if anything happened."  
  
The officer's eyes widened, "You know the driver? Would you mind shedding some light on the situation? All we found is what appears to be is a microchip."  
  
His mind screamed at the mention of the chip. This proved it. The car and the chip belonged to Spike. There was one question he wanted to ask, "Did you find any dust by that chip?"  
  
He raised his eyebrow, "What do you know about this, young man?"  
  
The brunette answered, "I know the driver. But, by the looks of this, it doesn't look good. I'm concerned about the cat. Would you mind if I keep an eye on him, while you look for the driver? I wouldn't want to leave the cat alone."  
  
The officer looked back at the car, and then back at Xander, "I don't see why not. But, can I get your name and number for the driver. Let him know where to find Toonces."  
  
"Toonces?"  
  
The officer nodded, "That's the cat's name."  
  
Xander quickly thought about giving his real name, but then that might not be the best idea. After all, Spike was gone, and then the police would go after him when they couldn't find the vampire. So, he decided to give a fake name and number, "Sure, Officer. My name's Fletcher Reed. And, my number is 746-5618."  
  
The officer went over to the cat, and picked him. Then he went over to Xander, "Here you go, Mr. Reed. When we find the driver, we'll tell him that you have him."  
  
The carpenter took the cat, "Good. I'll talk to you later."  
  
With that said, Xander took Toonces back to his car, and buckled him in the passenger seat. Xander sat in the driver seat, and drove off for Buffy and Willow's dorm.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy and Willow's Dorm  
  
April 30, 2001  
  
9:30 AM  
  
Buffy zipped her back bag shut, and headed for the door. She extended her right arm and opened the door only to find Xander standing there. "Hey, Xand. Wasn't expecting you until later today."  
  
Xander brought Toonces from behind his back, and showed him to her, "Can we talk?"  
  
The blond looked at her watch, and discovered that she had some time before class. She nodded, "C'mon in, Xander. What's up?"  
  
Her friend walked into the room and headed for the bed. When he reached it, he spun around to look at her, "Guess where I found this cat?"  
  
She shrugged, "Where?"  
  
"The radio woke me up this morning, and the news was on. There was a car accident earlier this morning."  
  
"So?"  
  
He continued, "So, the police found Toonces by Spike car. And it looks like Spike is dust. There was dust at the bottom of the car, and a microchip was in the center. It looks like Spike's dead. From what I can tell is from the sun. I asked the police officer to take the cat off his hands. And, he gave him to me."  
  
Buffy placed her back on her bed, and grabbed Toonces from Xander. "He's so cute. But, where's his tag?"  
  
Xander sat down at the foot of the bed. "I don't know, Buff. But, knowing Spike, he probably either won him in a game of poker or stole him. I even thought about keeping him. However, I don't want the police to keep bothering me when they find out Spike is missing."  
  
The blond looked up from the cat. "What do you want me to do about it?"  
  
The carpenter patted the space next to him. Buffy understood, and sat down next to him. "Well, for one thing for sure, Spike is gone. So, he won't bother us again. And I thought about the pet buying. I decided to get a dog."  
  
She pouted, "A dog? I thought we decided to get a cat."  
  
He nodded, "We did. But, if Toonces was the only surviving animal from the crash, then it means that he must have had something to do with it. Plus, I don't think a cat in my apartment by itself would be a good idea. So, I figured a dog would be better."  
  
The Slayer petted the cat's back, "What do we do with Toonces then?"  
  
Xander smiled, "I got an idea."  
  
*****  
  
Somewhere  
  
May 5, 2001  
  
2:00 PM  
  
A sudden knock was heard on a door. A person opened it to reveal a package. She looked out front, and saw the delivery truck driving away.  
  
"Who's there, Samantha?"  
  
She picked it up, and handed the package to her husband, "We got a package from a Buffy Summers."  
  
"Really? I wonder what Buffy sent us?"  
  
Samantha answered, "Open it up, Riley."  
  
Riley obeyed, and opened the package. He went inside, and pulled out a cat. Attached to his collar was a note.  
  
He ripped it out of the collar, and opened it up. He read it, "Riley,  
  
Please take care of Toonces for us. Thanks.  
  
Buffy."  
  
The commando folded the note up, "It looks like we have a pet."  
  
"He drives around  
  
all over the town  
  
Toonces the Driving Cat!"  
  
The End 


	3. Outside Help

Title:Outside Help  
  
Rating:PG-13  
  
Author:White Werewolf  
  
Category:No Ship  
  
Spoilers/Timeframe:"Revolations"  
  
Disclaimer:Buffy: the Vampire Slayer is owned by Whedon, UPN, ME, and Fox. Saturday Night Live is owned by NBC and Michaels.  
  
Summery:Buffy has started seeing her vampire boyfriend again. Xander needs extra help, so he hires someone.  
  
Author Notes:This is the third part of the Live From Sunnydale, It's Saturday Night!   
  
Special Thanks:No one this time around. Ozmandayus maybe, I don't know.  
  
Dedication:Chris Farley  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Buffy Summers opened the doors into the library and could see that everyone was there as usual.   
  
She said as she reached her friends, "Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy."  
  
Suddenly, Buffy stopped when she saw her friends at the center table who had glum faces.  
  
"What's with all the tragedy masks?"  
  
Her watcher pointed to a chair, "Better take a seat, Buffy."  
  
Xander got out of his chair, nudged it over a bit so it's at the head of the table. He stepped away to stand next to Cordelia. Buffy slowly approached the chair.  
  
As she sat down, she asked, "What's going on?"  
  
Her watcher said, "We know Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us."  
  
Buffy looked away, trying to absorb the new information.  
  
Willow said, "Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. This is serious. You need help."  
  
The blond looked at her redheaded friend, "It's not what you think."  
  
Xander stated, "Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer."  
  
"This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I statements only. 'I feel worried.'"  
  
Cordelia said, "Fine. Here's one: I feel worried...about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was way more interested in killing her friends."  
  
Buffy shook her friend, "But he's better now."  
  
Xander glared at her, "Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?"  
  
She glared back at him. "What is this, Demons Anonymous?" Buffy started to leave, "I don't need an intervention, here."  
  
Giles asked, "Don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us."  
  
Buffy shot back at her friends, "I was going to tell you, I was. I-it was just that I...I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to wait."  
  
Her friend said, "For what? For Angel to go psycho the next time you give him a happy? Now, I know I did the right thing in hiring Matt Foley."  
  
She glared at him, "You hired someone? What gives you the right to hire someone based on something that doesn't need to be known?"  
  
Willow said, "We're worried about you, Buffy. Xander saw this advertisement on television about a motivational speaker. And if we can't get through to you, we might as well hire outside help."  
  
Giles nodded, "Right. Mr. Foley is a motivational speaker. He's been in the back of the library stacks waiting for us to call him in. He's been reading up on Angelus. We think that he's ready. Mr. Foley, we're ready for you!"  
  
"Okie dokie!" A voice said as he came from behind them. He was wearing a plad shirt with khakis. He wore a pair of sunglasses and his hair was slicked back.  
  
He grinned, "Hey, Rupert! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don't know me, is Matt Foley! I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get through your tough vampire addiction, let me give you a little scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am thrice divorced! And I live in a van down by the river!  
  
Buffy said, "I don't need a motivational speaker!"  
  
Xander sighed, "Yeah, you do, Buffy. We don't want to go through what happened last time."  
  
Matt said, "Listen Muffy, I don't give a rat's behind! I'm here to tell you that as you continue your relationship with Angelus, you're gonna find out that you're not going to amount to Jack Squat!" He approached her, "Now you little lady, what do you want to do with your life?"  
  
Buffy asked, "What do I want to do? I just want to graduate high school and go with Angel to the prom!"  
  
The speaker said, "Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa!"  
  
He then approached Xander and Giles, "Hey Rupert! We got ourselves a high school wanna graduate slayer! I can't see real good, is that Lucy Hanover?"  
  
Oz cleared his throat, "Um, Matt. She really is the slayer."  
  
Matt said, "Oz? Ya know, I wish you could just your big yapper! Please!"  
  
The werewolf sighed, "Okay."  
  
The speaker approached the slayer, "Well, if you're as good a slayer as you are as a self absorbed girl, you're gonna be doing a lot of slaying practicing in a van down by the river!"  
  
Buffy sighed, "I like the beach."  
  
Matt glared at her, "Slow down a little, Hanover. Now let's get started!"  
  
He walked up to her, "Dating is fine. I myself dated and married many people. But, I've learned the hard way, Muffy."  
  
"Buffy."  
  
Matt nodded, "Right. Muffy. Because of doing the horizontal tangle, your boyfriend killed Rupert's girl and your slayer friend. To top it off, he tortured Xander and Rupert over hear."  
  
Her eyes widened. She knew about Giles, but Xander? "He tortured you?"  
  
Xander didn't say anything.  
  
"Xand, what happened?"  
  
Being herself, Cordelia said without hesitation, "Angel came to his house numerous times. He kept telling Xander his plans on how to kill you, Buffy. You and Willow. He said he'd do it too, if he told you. His mother allowed him in one night, and been in his room so much waiting for him. Do you have any idea how much Xander hated this! Angel kept bragging and seeing the fear that Xander had in his eyes. To Angel, it was a great thrill, to Xander, it was torture!"  
  
Buffy approached her friend, "Is this true?"  
  
Xander didn't say anything. He just shot Cordelia a look.  
  
"What?" Cordy asked.  
  
"Answer me, Xander. Is this true?"  
  
The boy sighed, "Yeah, it is."  
  
Foley said, "Yeah, it's true, Buffy. Angelus here as been torturing your friend every night! And if you don't, you're going to live alone in a van down by the river! The whole time Angelus was on a killing spree. All because you couldn't look into the extra research. If you did, you'd know about the curse, and prevented all this, but NO!"  
  
Buffy gulped and said with tears, "I'm so sorry, Xander. I'm so so sorry. I just wanted to be in love, and have somebody love me back. I know I don't have a normal life, but I want it to be worth something and find some happiness!"  
  
Xander nodded, "And you will, Buff. True, Deadboy hurt me, but I lived. Now, what if Angelus comes back. I don't know if I could go through with that again."  
  
Oz asked, "What are you going to do?"  
  
Buffy sighed as she composed herself. "I don't know. I just don't know."  
  
"Angelus has tortured and maimed people. He's cut through this victims, blended the innards, and served them to his children as one dangerous cocktail, little lady. "  
  
"Gross!" All the girls said out loud.  
  
  
  
Buffy grunted, "I'll kill him!"  
  
The speaker smiled, "All right. I've taught you people all I can. I gotta go meet with Arnold and steer him off politics. Either he does that, or he'll move to a van down by the river!"  
  
Then he left.  
  
THE END 


End file.
